In a rather bully mood this evening, I decided to venture down to the local gymnasium. Sauntering up to a giant behemoth of a Homo Sapien, about three times my size with arms like tree trunks and a chest like a 44 gallon drum, adorned with a sailor cap and smoking on a corn pipe, I said to him, "Hey buddy! Reckon you could load up that overhead press with another 63kg after you're done with it? You see I'm recovering from a car accident and I've a touch of arthritis. Might need you to rub a little jojoba oil into my pecs while I'm at it."
I then proceeded with a casual warm up that maxed out the overhead press, and snapped the cable on the leg press as I was flexing my calf muscles. "I have never seen anybody that strong in my entire time on the professional body building circuit", the large gentleman exclaimed. "I haven't any idea how you did that. It is extraordinary. Truly you must be the strongest man in the world. I doubt the machines were even built to handle such wanton abuse. You are a beast, sir", he said.
He then sighed, "Well, I'd best get back to studying for my philosophy major - it's got me beat."
I had a quick skim through his reading material as I brushed over the pages like a flip book animation, before handing the books back. "Not being as well versed in Sartre as I am in Kierkegaard and Nietzsche, I doubt he is arguing here that there aren't some preconditions to our existence, merely that whatever material conditions one inherits in this world, one is still inalienably free to make of oneself whatever one wills - not necessarily precluding a predisposition to make something in particular of oneself."
"Once again I am in awe, sir" he remarked. "I wish my wife were as understanding as you."
I picked his phone up off the bench and speed dialled his wife. "Cindy", I said, "Frank still understands your needs as a woman, he's just having some difficulties at work to try and get that promotion to secure your financial future in the midst of a global economic downturn because he wants to maintain the sort of lifestyle you two had together when you were first married and used to vacation in Acapulco during the summertime. Remember those days, Cindy? Frank does." She promptly burst into tears and drove down to the gym to be reunited.
Donning my sunglasses on the way out, my elbow bumped the broken vending machine and it began dispensing Coca Cola once more.
Is your prose style awkward by deliberation? Perhaps something's gone right over my head.
ReplyDeleteFor instance:
"Donning my sunglasses on the way out, my elbow bumped the broken vending machine and it began dispensing Coca Cola once more."
It could have been written more elegantly as:
"On the way out, I donned my sunglasses; my elbow brushed the broken vending machine, and it began dispensing Coca Cola once more."
Yes.
ReplyDeleteIs your prose style humorless and anally retentive by deliberation? I thought it might have just been your personality there for a sec. Peace out hombre :)
Dearest Mex,
ReplyDeleteI have taken the liberty of "tidying up" your initial draft. I am available at my office at any time, should you like to make more regular use of my services.
Regards,
Simon.
This evening, in bully mood, I decided to venture down to the local gymnasium. I sauntered up to a giant behemoth of a Homo Sapien, about three times my size, with arms like tree trunks, and a chest like a fourty-four gallon drum; his head adorned with sailor's cap, and mouth invaded by corn pipe. I said to him, "Hey buddy! Reckon you could load up that overhead press with another 63kg after you're done with it? You see I'm recovering from a car accident and I've a touch of arthritis. Might need you to rub a little jojoba oil into my pecs while I'm at it."
I then proceeded with a casual warm-up that maxed out the overhead press; subsequently snapping the cable on the leg press as I flexed my calf muscles. "I have never seen anybody that strong in my entire time on the professional body building circuit!", the large hominid ejaculated. "I haven't any idea how you did that. It is extraordinary. Truly you must be the strongest man in the world. I doubt the machines were even built to handle such wanton abuse. You are a beast, sir", he said.
His barrell-chest heaved as he let out a sigh. "Well, I'd best get back to studying for my philosophy major - it's got me beat."
I skimmed quickly through his reading material, brushing through the pages like a flip-book animation, before handing the offending works back. "Not being as well versed in Sartre as I am in Kierkegaard and Nietzsche, I doubt he is arguing here that there aren't some preconditions to our existence, merely that whatever material conditions one inherits in this world, one is still inalienably free to make of oneself whatever one wills - not necessarily precluding a predisposition to make something in particular of oneself."
"Once again I am in awe, sir!" he exclaimed. "I wish my wife were as understanding as you!"
I picked his phone up off the bench and called his wife. "Cindy", I said, "Frank still understands your needs as a woman, he's just having some difficulties at work, trying to get that promotion to secure your financial future in the midst of a global economic downturn, because he wants to maintain the sort of lifestyle you two had together when you were first married and used to vacation in Acapulco during the summertime. Remember those days, Cindy? Frank does." She promptly burst into tears, and drove down to the gym to be reunited.
On the way out, I donned my sunglasses; my elbow brushed the broken vending machine - it began dispensing Coca-Cola once more.
I can see that was the most active Friday night you've had in a very long time.
ReplyDeleteAside from sucking any trace of humor out of the original post with the work ethic of a Bangkok ladyboy, you've noticeably increased the overall content of the blog. Seven posts over the course of three years shows how critically important this little side venture is to my self esteem. Your grammar lessons cut deep. If you don't hear from me for a couple of months it's because I'm taking time out at a mens' support group retreat up in the Blue Mountains somewhere, with my favourite blanket.
PS- Split infinitive in paragraph four.
pwned :D
ReplyDelete